The problem self-confidence : new people, places, experiences, competition. • We all want our kids to be more confident so that they are more successful in what ever they choose to do in their life;
• But a lot of kids have confidence issues and they don’t want to enjoy new experiences
• People often discuss with me in therapy sessions that their kids are afraid of new people, places, they don’t want to try new games because the kid is lacking confidence.
• Often while trying to increase a child’s confidence we resort to some poor strategies like name calling- why are you scared , are you a girl? Are you a man’s child or a mouse’s ?
• Ordering the child- Didn’t I tell you get on the stage!
• Lecturing- How many times have I told you dear there is nothing to be scared of don’t you get it.
• No matter how many times we try name calling, ordering and lecturing is not going to help increase confidence.
• Everybody gets scared or anxious, as parents it is important to differentiate between normal and abnormal fear. If its normal fear it is alright but if it is abnormal fear then how to identify it?
• Abnormal fear is usually many times bigger than the trigger.
• For example on seeing a puppy the child is crying loudly;
• the fear is too frequent – every time the kid sees a dog or puppy he definitely cries
• The fear lingers on and on , if the child sees a dog then he spends the rest of the day being timid. This is abnormal fear.
• Let understand what goes through a children’s mind when they are scared, they think this thing a harmful for my existence,
• they think that they should run away from there,
• the child may have learned this fear from someone else, like seeing some other child be scared of a dog- this is called modelling behaviour.
• You may say that the trigger is not scary at all but the child would not buy your argument
• Ask them disputing question to explain to tackle their fear
• Dear what is the worst that can happen?
• What ever is the worst that can happen , can you really not tolerate it ?
• Right now what is more important for you, enjoying the experience or staying safe just for a little period of time?
• Tell me how are you going to feel when you finally accomplish the task?
• If something bad has happened once is it necessary that it must happen every single time?
• Systematic desensitization – expose the child to a very small intensity of the fearful trigger and when the child has adjusted gradually increase the intensity of the trigger and help the child cope, keep doing it till the child is ready to face the real problem.
• Flooding - The child is exposed directly and abruptly to the fearful trigger
• EMPATHY!!!, “I understand you feel scared, it is ok to feel that way, now you have option A or option B, what do you want to choose?”
• Remember that both the options should be options that you are ok with.
• Role-play- practice facing the fearful stimuli in a safe environment and then you may also reverse the roles.
• Humour at the trigger – make fun of the fearful stimuli.
• Making fun of the trigger lets the child know that the trigger is not so scary and it can be handled
• Books on fear are given in the description link
• Affirmations for confidence – is repeating a positive message many times before the child to help him absorb the message in his subconscious mind.
• I am strong and I am powerful if things don’t work out the way I want I can actually handle it.
• You may repeat the affirmations while the child is about to fall asleep.
Books links:
You Are a Girl Who Can Do Anything: A Very Special Book to Cheer You on
and Help You Achieve Greatness
Wilma Jean The Worry Machine
Scaredies Away! A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Worry and Anxiety (made simple)
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