Hello, guys! My name is Ariana. It's not a secret that we all tend to make mistakes and fail. And we all feel bad about it afterward. But what if I tell you that a fatal mistake I made once, made me feel so guilty and unworthy, that I started suffering from a dramatic form of a sleeping disorder. In other words I turned into a sleepwalker. It all happened many years ago on a beautiful summer morning. I was seven years old and my younger brother Gavin was only four. We snuck out of the house and ran to the river to go for a swim. We had so much fun! We were playing hide-and-seek and it was my turn to be the seeker. I looked for Gavin everywhere, honestly! I knew he was really good at hiding, but at one point, I realized he just wasn't there! First, I thought that this sneaky kid wanted to scare me and just left me there and went back home, but I didn't find him there either.
Then I realized something horrible had happened. I burst into tears and told everything to my parents. It was all a blur. They looked for Gavin for two days until he was finally found. He must have been carried away by the current and never made it out of the water. "
There are no words in the world that could even remotely describe my parents' grief. They were both absolutely broken. As for me, I was stunned and scared to death. I felt like a monster. I had done the most horrible thing ever and there was no way to go back, to get Gavin back. My father was a very generous and kind person. He realized I hadn't meant for all this to happen, so he found the strength to support me and to forgive me. But not my mother. She tried to avoid me and she couldn't even look me in the eye anymore. It was really painful, but I knew I deserved it.
Time went on, but things were not getting any better. Not long afterward I started having trouble sleeping. I would occasionally wake up in the kitchen or in the bathroom, turning the tap on without realizing what I was doing. But in most cases I would go to Gavin's room and tidy up or play theater with his toys. Just like I used to do when I played with him! I even sang lullabies in front of his empty bed. It was so weird of me! Of course, my parents heard the noise at night and would always come to check on me. My mother would get furious every time she would find me in Gavin's bedroom. She was just shaking with anger! And of course she didn't believe I was sleepwalking. She was sure I had gone to my brother's room to annoy her and to make her feel even worse. And even after my father took me to the doctor, who confirmed my diagnosis, this still did not convince my mother otherwise.
Months went by, then years. My life turned into torture. My sleepwalking was getting worse and there were no pills that could help me. Almost ten years has passed since my brother drowned in the river and with each passing day, my mother would hate and abuse me more and more. She would never waste the chance to tell me off for my grades or my unwashed dishes. Or for anything she could, actually! Of course, I was never allowed to go out with friends or go to parties. And at the same time, I wasn't very eager to go anyway, to be honest! I think, subconsciously, I felt like I didn't have the right to have any kind of fun. I tried to keep my head down and my mouth shut, but one day things just got out of control.
"The night before it happened, I sleepwalked again and went into Gavin's room. I woke up standing on the table with his favorite teddy bear in my hands. I heard my mother yelling: 'She is doing it again! She is driving me crazy!' She grabbed me and pushed me out the door of his room. I couldn't sleep a wink that night. I was hugging Gavin's teddy bear and crying and of course I was very sleepy at school the next day.
So, I was sitting in my history class, doing my best to not let my eyes close. But suddenly I realized I was not sitting anymore. I was standing in the middle of the classroom. Everybody was staring at me. My teacher's face was red and he angrily asked me: 'Why are you misbehaving during my lesson? What are you even thinking?' And as usual I didn't remember anything, so I didn't even have the slightest idea what kind of crazy stuff I had done that time. I learned about it later in the principal's office, when the teacher was telling the story to my parents. I was walking back and forth with my eyes wide open, crying out some senseless words. My dad immediately saved the situation and told them about my sleep issues. It was convincing enough for both the history teacher and the principal, but as usual, not for my mother.
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